Whether you’re buying a house or preparing a business contract, most everyone will need the services of a lawyer at one point or another in their life. Lawyers are people who are trained in maneuvering the complex legal system, speaking its lingo and shuffling through the jungle of legal forms to get things done. They’ve paid the price of years of sweat and tears – not to mention loads of money – to finally wear that spiffy suit, earn the respect of us minions and charge us truckloads of cash as payback for their suffering.
That’s probably why lawyers have the ‘honor’ of being the brunt of one liners and jokes. The volume of humorous insults, puns and stories about lawyers, barristers, judges, solicitors, attorneys could almost fill as many pages as there are law books. Okay.. that’s not true. Surely nothing can top the amount of legal mumbo-jumbo in law books.
When it comes to professions that inspire humor, few can match the comedic potential of lawyers. The very nature of law, with its intricate language and high stakes, sets the stage for wordplay that can make even the most serious legal expert crack a smile. After all, who wouldn’t want to lawyer around with some puns? From courtroom shenanigans to witty legal jargon, lawyer puns are a delightful way to lighten the mood in an otherwise serious profession. So, grab your briefcase and prepare to plead the case for laughter as we explore the funny side of the legal world!
Lawyer Puns
- Lawsuit – What lawyers wear to court.
- Lawyurt – Circular house where nomadic lawyer stays.
- Atoeney – Lawyer with one toe.
- Atourney – Travelling lawyer.
Lawyer Related Puns
When it comes to lawyer puns, the cleverness is limitless. For example, you might hear someone say, “I wanted to become a lawyer, but I didn’t have the legal motivation!” Or how about, “Why don’t lawyers go into submarines? Because they might get sub-poenaed! And did you hear about the lawyer who went broke? He couldn’t find any clients to represent him!” Each pun cleverly plays on legal terminology while showcasing the light-hearted side of a profession often seen as stuffy or serious. It’s a refreshing reminder that even in the courtroom, laughter is not only allowed but encouraged.
- A-litigator – Alligator attorney.
- Litigaturd – Shitty lawyer.
- Soliciturd – Also a shitty lawyer.
- Just-ice – Law in the North Pole.
- Just-ice – What’s left after the drink is gone.
- Advocat – A cat lawyer.
- Advocaddo – Avocado lawyer.
- Advocad – Lawyer who treats others badly.
- Defendant – Protecting an ant.
- Habeas Corpus – Latinus wayus ofus sayingus “dead body”.
- Bar-rister – Lawyer who’s always in the bar.
- Father-in-law – Priest who moonlights as a lawyer.
- Attorney-in-law – Your spouse’s lawyer
- Legal tenders – Chickens who graduate from law school.
- Mooing violation – A cow committing a crime while in motion.
- Pro-bone-o – When lawyers get paid in bones…
- Pro-bono – Opposite of amateur bono.
- Law school – When vampires learn to suck blood.
- Tresspassing – Handing over a wig.
- Subpoena – A poena under water.
- Alimony – Not just some of the money… ALL the money.
- Testimony – Checking to see if the cash is real.
- Concurrent sentence – The words a convict is saying right this moment.
- Defacto – What delawyer tries to prove to dejudge, dejury and dejudge.
- Depositiion – Changing the position.
- Statue of limitations – What a statue can and cannot do.
- Affidavit – When someone who cannot properly pronounce Alfie and David.
- Acquit – When a lawyer gives up.
- Light sentence – Punishment handed down to a bulb.
- Judge-mint – How a judge keeps his breath smelling good.
- Odor in the court – What people say when someone poops in court.
- Sosumi – Lawyers’ favorite sushi bar.
- Don’t judge a law book by its cover up.
- A photograph rushed into his attorney’s office shouting for help, “I think someone’s framing me!”.
- A woman sued an airline for losing her luggage. She lost the case.
- A lawyer won his luggage lawsuit against the hotel very quickly. It was a brief case.
- During his lunch bread, the lawyer worked on Cole’s law.
- The farmer had to move his cow because it was committing a mooing violation.
- Clowns are often jailed for mans-laughter.
- A lawyer hurt his eardrums at a rock concert and couldn’t attend his hearing.
- The deaf lawyer didn’t go to court because he lost his hearing.
- It’s easy to fall in love with a lawyer. They seem to have appeal.
- Abraham Lincoln never needed a lawyer’s service because he was already in-a-cent.
- Santa always stays out of legal trouble because he comes with a clause.
- A lawyer went to cooking school after retirement. Now he’s knows as the sue chef.
- The law firm specializing in divorce was named Null And Void.
- A horse was arrested and brought to the police station for questioning. He de-neighed all accusations.
- Alligators make good prosecutors because they are good interro-gators.
Lawyer Jokes
Now, let’s take a look at some classic lawyer jokes that never fail to bring a chuckle. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more!” Or, “How many lawyer jokes are there, anyway? Only three. The rest are true stories!” These jokes poke fun at the stereotype of lawyers being overly ambitious and financially driven, all while bringing a smile to our faces. Another great one is: “What do you get when you cross a bad lawyer with a bad dog? A legal bite!” With these jokes, the humor isn’t just about the punchline; it’s also about the everyday truths we can all relate to, making us laugh at the quirks of the legal profession.
Q: Why did the elephant attorney lose his case?
A: The judge said his argument was irrele-phant.
Q: Why did the man end up working at the local coffee house instead of being a lawyer?
A: He accidentally signed up for a barista course.
Q: Why did the fish go to jail?
A: He was found gill-ty.
Q: Do you know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: What do call 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket. (ouch.. nasty)
Q: Why are judges and English teachers alike?
A: They both give out long and short sentences.
Q: Why did the court find the knight not guilty?
A: He had an iron-clad alibi!
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: What did the judge say to the car battery at the end of the trial?
A: I find you guilty as charged.
Q: Why did the judge let the penguin roam freely outside of the courtroom?
A: The penguin wasn’t a flight risk.
Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A: One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a furry household pet.
(Don’t you just appreciate the sudden zig-zag of this?)
Q: Why did the attorney wear a shirt with no sleeves?
A: He had the right to bare arms.
Q: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What are honest lawyers like UFOs?
A: You hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of elephants?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
Q: How do you get a personal injury lawyer to smile for a picture?
A: Just say, “Fees!”
Q: What do you call 500 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why don’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
A: Nobody will look for them.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: A whole lot of information that you can’t understand.
Q:How does a pregnant woman know she’s carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has intense cravings for bologna.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: Only one in two million does any real work.
Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they’re boring.
Q: What did the lawyer name his newborn daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change in a lightbulb?
A: Three: One to climb up, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to be in a construction site?
A: Because plumbers might connect the drainage pipes to the wrong suer.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: They have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A gpod lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: Why did the lawyer go to court in his underwear?
A: The judge asked him to hear his argument in a brief.
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A man in an interrogation room told the detective, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
“You ARE the lawyer.” said the detective.
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” replied the man. - Lawyer: Judge, I’d like to appeal my client’s case. We’ve discovered new evidence.
Judge: And what is this new evidence?
Lawyer: Your honor, I discovered that my client still has $800 left. - A man walked into the local Business Bureau. He walked up to one of the counters and asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?” To which the service staff replied, “Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet!”
- Lawyer : “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
Client : “What’s the bad news?”
Lawyer : “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
Client : “What’s the good news?”
Lawyer : “Your cholesterol is 130.” - A lawyer was defending his client accused of burglary.
He said “My client merely put his arm into the window and removed a few trinkets. His arm is not himself, and surely you cannot punish the whole individual for a crime committed by his limb.”
“Well said ,” the judge replied. “Going by your logic, I hereby sentence the defendant’s arm to one year in prison. He can choose to accompany it or not.”
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. - Someone left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and there were snakes all over the place.
The keeper did all he could but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages.
Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
“A lawyer? Why?”
“We need someone who speaks their language.” - Two lawyers are in a bank. Suddenly, two armed robbers burst in.
While one of the robbers takes money from the tellers, his accomplice lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall.
He then proceeds to take their wallets and other valuables.
The first lawyer then quickly shoves something into the other one’s hand.
“What is this?” the other lawyer asks without looking.
“It’s that $100 I owe you.” - A man and his pet alligator walked into a bar.
He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yeah we do,” replied the bartender.
“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and throw a lawyer to my gator.” - A lawyer was so big that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin large enough.
So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
(now… anemas don’t work on dead people… but heck… it’s a joke) - Did you hear about two people fighting over a cow?
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other by the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. -
Lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- My wife accused me of being a lousy lawyer.I couldn’t defend myself.
- Did you hear about the lawyers’ word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
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When lawyers get married, they don’t say “i do” They say “I accept the terms and conditions”
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Where there is a will there is a lawsuit.
- If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator – It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
- If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?
- I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- When lawyers die, they’re usually buried 600 feet underground because deep down, they’re really nice guys.
- A judge stopped talking just before announcing the accused’s jail term.
He said he would continue tomorrow. It was a suspended sentence. - A man sat silent for 10 minutes before killing his yoga instructor. The judge ruled that it was premeditated murder.
- Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling a pig in mud… Sooner or later you realize that they like it
- A young boy meets the boy next door who just moved in the house next door.
“Hi, my name is Bobby,” he says. “What’s yours?”
“Sam,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Bobby. “What does your dad do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers.
“Honest?” asks Billy.
“No, just the regular kind.” - Two lawyers were discussing a case.
“Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion. - A young lawyer is working late one night when Satan walks into his office.
“I’d like to make you an offer,” says Satan.
“If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone you love, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.
The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding,
“So, what’s the catch?” - Lawyer Husband : I love you.
Lawyer Wife : Do you have evidence to support your claim? - Boy 1 : I just found out my Dad is a nun.
Boy 2 : How come?
Boy 1 : When he was in court they asked for his occupation and he replied “none” - A personal injury lawyer was walking through the streets, when he came upon a traffic accident. A large crowd had gathered.
The attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn’t get near the car.
He started shouting “Let me through! Let me through! I am the victim’s son.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey. - A man sat down at a bar, looked into his briefcase, then ordered a double scotch.
A while later, the man again looked into his briefcase and ordered another double.
He repeated this until after looking into his briefcase, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.
The bartender asked , “What’s with the briefcase?”
The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s pictures in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.” - An investment consultant was interviewing a young lawyer for his legal team.
She asks “Mr. Stevens, would you call yourself an honest person?”
Mr Stevens replies “I AM and honest person. Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
“Dad sued me for the money.” - Lawyer: Now that you have been found not guilty, tell me : Did you steal the car?
Client: After hearing your brilliant argument in court this morning. I’m starting to think I didn’t. - Two junior attorneys and partner were walking to lunch.
They found an old lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted a wish to each of them.
The first lawyer said, “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone.
The second lawyer said, “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone.
The partner said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” - Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a bear. It looked like it was going to attack them.
The first lawyer quickly opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and puts them on.
The second lawyer says, “You’re mad! You won’t outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replies. “I’ only have to outrun you.” - A doctor and a lawyer crashed their cars into each other.
The lawyer, noticing that the doctor was a shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor took a big sip and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure… after the police leave,” replied the lawyer. - A lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city contributed money to fund his funeral.
The Chief Justice was asked to donate a shilling.
“Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney?
Here’s a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them. - A defendant announced that he was changing his plea to guilty.
When the judge asked why, the defendant pointed to the eight women and four men in the jury box.
“When I pleaded ‘not guilty,’ I didn’t know women would be on the jury.
Judge, I can’t fool even one woman, so I know I can’t fool eight of them.” - A woman and her 8 year old were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandfather .
On their way back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, darling ,” replied the mother. “Why would you ask that question?”
“The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’” - A billionaire instructs his attorney to stipulate in his will that his wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.
Lawyer : “Why such an odd stipulation?”
Billionaire : “Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply. - Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered drinks. Then they took out sandwiches from their bags and started to eat.
The owner told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches. - How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty-two.
Seven to argue the case, one to get a continuance, one to object, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-seven to bill for professional services. - A priest and a lawyer arrived in Heaven.
Saint Peter greeted both of them and assigned them to their rooms.
He said to the priest “Father, here are the keys to one of our economy units.”
Then he said to the lawyer “And for you, sir, the keys to our best penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a common up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.” - A man was sent to hell for his sins.
As he was being led to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer having sex with a beautiful woman.
“What a rip-off,” the man complained. “
“I have to burn for eternity, and that lawyer spends it with a gorgeous woman.”
The demon guard jabbed him with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?” - A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were attending a friend’s funeral.
One of the three said, “We have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over in the next life.”
They all agreed that this was a good custom.
The banker dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the casket.
The car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300. - A young lawyer was eager to impress potential clients.
When he saw walked into his office, he picked up his phone and spoke into it,
He said ”I’m sorry, but my caseload is so heavy I’m not going to available for at least a month. ”
He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”
The man replied “Nothing, I’m here to hook up your phone.” - A lawyer, was talking to his son about law school.
He asked , “What makes you want to be a doctor instead of lawyer?”
The son answered “Well, Dad, have you ever heard anybody get up in a crowd and shout, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’” -
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God’s face clouded over and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here.”
Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Funny Law Firm Names
Ah… We don’t know how many of these below are real law firms, but they’re funny anyway.
- Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
- Dumas & McPhail
- Law Offices of Gay & Gay
- Bickers and Bickers Attorneys At Law
- Butt Solicitors Criminal Defense Specialists
- Ditcher, Quick & Hyde Divorce Lawyers
- MILF – Mohamed Ibrahim Law Firm
- Weiner & Cox Attorneys At Law
- The Raper Law Firm
- Payne & Fears
- Labor, Payne & Borne Adoption Attorneys
- Luce, Lipp & Butz Confidential Attorneys At Law
- Locke, Stock & Beryl Business Acquisition Specialists
- Slaughter & Slaughter Personal Injury Attorneys
- Crook & Crook Law Firm
