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Are you ready to go nuts for nut puns? Because we’ve got a big, crunchy list of puns and jokes about all the favourite nuts! From almonds, to pistachios, to macadamias, and many more.

Before we crack on though, we have some fun facts for your brain! First fun fact is that the ancient Greeks believed that hazelnuts (the nut in the middle of a Ferrero Rocher, for any of you who can’t tell one nut from another) could treat coughs and baldness. They’d grind the nuts into a paste before they used it. Could you imagine if peanut butter could help when you were sick? That would be the most delicious cough syrup ever!

In the wonderfully wacky world of nut puns, laughter is always in season! As we crack open the nutcase of fun, get ready for some nutty wordplay that’s sure to tickle your funny bone.

Why did the peanut go to the party? Because it heard it was going to be nutty! And speaking of parties, you can always count on a walnut to be the life of the shell – always cracking jokes and having a kernal good time!

But hold onto your hats, because here comes the real kicker: what do you call a nut that can’t stop making puns? A pun-cake! Whether you prefer cashews, pecans, or those little hazelnuts that sneak into your desserts, there’s no shortage of nutty humor to enjoy. So grab a handful of your favorite snacks, settle in, and get ready to go nuts with laughter as we dive into a world filled with nuttyful nut jokes that will leave you a little nuts!

Nut Puns

Pea-nut – Crazy pea.
Pee-nut – A peanut having a tinkle.
Peed-nut – A peanut after his tinkle.
Pre-nut – Before the nut began.
Affectio-nut – A cuddly peanut.
Astro-nut – A cashew floating in space.
Cosmo-nut – A Russian astronaut.
Bee-nut – A busy, buzzy, peanut.
Coco-nut – An almond on a tropical vacation.
Cocoa-nut – A chocolate peanut.
Compassio-nut – A kind peanut.
Do-nut– Nuts with a hole in the middle.
Dont-nut – Opposite of Do-nut.
Fortu-nut – Lucky nut.
Fa-nut-tic – Someone totally into nuts.
Passion-nut – Someone who’s really into nuts.
Hiber-nut – What nuts do in the winter.
Lu-nut-ic – Crazy nut.
Mag-nut– Nuts that stick to metal.
Nut-ural – Nut in it’s original state.
Nut-ilus– A nut in its shell with tentacles.
Nut-uropathy – Art of healing using nuts.
Nution – Country of nuts.
Gnuts – Small insect that likes to bite nuts.
Nut Smith (Nate Smith) – Every nut’s favourite modern jazz drummer.
Or-nut-ment– Pretty nuts you hang on your Christmas tree.
Termi-nutter– A cyborg assassin played by Almond Schwarzenegger.
So-nut-ta – Classical music composition played with nuts.
Sodium Bicarbonut – Crazy sodium bicarbonate.
Cashoo!– When nuts sneeze.
Cash-shoo – When you chase away cashews.
Catch-ew – Kiddie nut’s favorite game of catch.
Cash-ew– Nut money.
Cash-EW– A disgusted nut.
Cat-shew– Fluffy cashew nuts that lick you back.
Crash-ew– A clumsy nut getting into accidents.
Peek-cashew – How baby cashews play peek=a-boo.
Pig-cashew – Greedy cashew.
Pik-cashew– Every nut’s favourite Pokémon.
Pecan-chu – Another nutty Pokémon.
Pe-can – Metal nuts to store things in.
Pe-can – Positive pecan nut.
Pe-cant – Pe-can who can”t.
Pigcan – Greedy nut.
Peanut Brittle – Peanuts with weak bones.
Pe-can’t – The opposite of pe-can.
Pee-can – A pecan having a tinkle in a tin can.
Peed-can – A pecan after tinkling in a tin can.
Purr-can – If a pecan and a cat had a baby.
Pe-Kant – A philosophical nut.
Wheeee-can – A pecan nut on a rollercoaster.
Macademia – Life-dedicated to the study of nuts.
Mama-cadamia – Mother macadamia.
Macaw-damia – If a parrot and a macadamia had a baby.
Maca-dame-ia – Ladylike nut.
Mac-n-cheese-cadamia – Mac n Cheese with nuts.
Mug-adamia – Mugful of macadamias.
Mug-adamia – Nut studying for exams.
Mugger-damia – Macadamia who beats up other nuts.
Muck-adamia – Messy nut.
Macada-meow – A macadamia trying to be a cat.
Masked-adamia – Superhero nut.
Mutt-adamia – Doggy nut.
Big Mac-adamia – If McDonalds started to sell nuts on their menu.
Al-pine nuts – Nuts from the snowy mountains.
Pint Nuts – A pint of pine nuts.
Pain Nut – Pine nut feeling hurt.
Pine-nut – Pinenut missing his gal.
Pine-o Palladino – Every nut’s favourite bassist.
Mus-tachio – Pistachios with a hairy upper lip.
Mush-tacio – If a mushroom and pistachio had a baby.
Pista-chiao – An Italian pistachio saying goodbye.
Pissed-tachio – An angry pistachio nut.
Peas-tachio – What you get when a pea marries a pistachio.
Pist-ah-chooo – Pistachio having the flu.
Puss-tachio – If a pistachio and a cat had a baby.
Please-tachio – The magic words you need to say for someone to pass you the pistachios.
Pleased-tachio – Happy pistachio.
*Frederic Pista-chopin – Every nut’s favourite classical music composer.
Wall-nuts – Nuts that grow on walls.
A-corn – A corn or a nut?
Bae-con – Really hot nut.
Ape-corn – Hairy primate acorn.
Pal-monds– Almonds who are your friends.
Brazil nuts – Crazy people in Brazil.
Peanut Brittle – A fragile nut.
Peanut Butt-er – Peanut with a butt.
Peanut Butler – If you have a peanut helper around your house.
Nut-trition – Healthy benefits of nuts.
Nuthouse – Where nuts live – the food and two legged kind.
I’m nuts about you!
Nut-hing is impossible!
I’ll cashew everytime you fall.
Cashew (Can’t you) see, you belong with me!
Pecan do it!
I pine for you like a pine nut do.
I walnut be afraid.
Oak tree puns sure are a-corny.

Nut Related Puns

Get ready to go nuts with some hilarious nut puns! Ever wonder where bad nuts go after they die? To Shell! And have you heard about when the cashew met the walnut, it said, “You crack me up!” Speaking of cracks, why did the hazelnut get invited to every party? Because it always knew how have a shell of a good time! Then there’s the macadamia, which always insists, “I’m not just any nut; I’m macadamia-lificent!” And let’s not forget the pecan, known for its nutty puns you just pecan’t help but have a good laugh! So grab a handful of your favorite nuts and prepare for a nutty adventure that’ll leave you a-peeling with laughter! Nut puns: the best way to make your day a little more crunchy!

Chocolate and Candy Bar Puns

Hot croc-olate – A reptiles favorite pick-me-up treat on a cold day.
Choco-late – Chocolate not on time.
Choco-lotl– If chocolate and an axolotl had a baby.
Choco-a-lotl – If chocolate and axolotl had a LOT of babies.
Choco-little– A little chocolate.
Choc-o-lot– A lot of chocolate.
Choco-late– Chronically late candy.
Ferrero Roach-hair– It’s not hazelnuts that add the cruch to this candy.
Snickers– Nutty candy bars that laugh mischieviously.
S-knickers– Chocolate underwear.
That room is choc full of fun!
Wake me up before you cocoa.
You look hot, chocolate!

Granola Puns

Oatzilla – Huge oat monster with many teeth.
Oat-opilot – Oat that flies an aeroplane.
Oat-standing – The best oat.
Oat-some – Another great oat.
Oat-rageous – Shocking oat puns.
Oat-opus – Oats with eight tentacles.
Oat Couture (Haute Couture) – High fashion oat clothes.
Adi-oats – How Spanish granolas say goodbye.
Oatis Redding – Famous American oat soul rhythm and blues singer.
Hall and Oats – Farmers favorite band.
Quacker Oats – A duck’s favourite breakfast granola.
Epip-honey– When granola nuts are enlightened.
Symp-honey– A bee orchestra that makes sweet music.
Run n’ raisin – A raisin that’s trying to reach itsfavourite ice cream as fast as possible.
T-raisin – When a dried grape betrays his country.
It’s a bright and honey day.
More honey (money), more problems.
Honey, you’re so sweet!
You did a grape job raisin‘ that kid.
I’m raisin against the clock.
Everything happens for a raisin.
The land of the raisin sun.

Legume Puns

Leg-ume Peas and beans with legs.
Zom-beans Brain eating legumes.
World Peas What every pea wants.
Hap-pea Positive pea emotions.
Slee-pea A tiny pea dozing off.
Grum-pea An annoyed, angry pea.
Cree-pea Weird pea.
Pup-peas If a dog and a legume had a baby.
Happ-bean-ness is enough for me.
Bean-ough is bean-ough.
Kidney Beans Even worse than kidney stones.
Soy beans How Spanish beans introduce themselves.
You are a great human bean.
We’re meant to bean.
How have you bean?
Bean there, done that.
I’ve bean thinking of you.
My cat pea-d on the floor.
Could you help me, peas.
Time ti unleash the peas (beast) inside me.
Pea-k a boo!
Legume (Let go) of me!
I’m just pulling your leg-ume.
I’m just kidney-ing.

Nut Jokes

Why did the peanut bring a bolt to the party? Because it was already a nut! Nuts have a knack for humor, and they never crack under pressure! Take the almond, for example; it always knows how to keep things a-peeling. What did one nut say to the other at the gym? “I think I’m going to bulk up a bit!” And let’s not forget the hazelnut, who tried to tell a joke but just couldn’t find the right punchline. Meanwhile, the walnut chimed in with, “Stop shelling out excuses!” When a squirrel walked by, the peanuts called out, “Hey, nutty buddy, want to hear a crunchy joke?” The squirrel replied, “Sure, but only if it’s a crack-er! ” So if you’re ever feeling down, just remember: laughter is the best nut medicine! Now go ahead and cashew those worries away and have a nut pun or two!

Q: Who would name their daughter Macadamia?
A: Probably a couple of nuts.

Q: Why was the peanut upset at with his friends?
A: They roasted him too hard.

Q: Why’d the squirrel ask for a raise?
A: He was only paid peanuts.

Q: What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?
A: Just climb a tree and behave like a nut.

Q: Why was the cashew tree on her last nerve?
A: Because every one of her kids were nuts.

Q: What was the almond tree doing all summer long?
A: Oh….Nuttin’.

Q: What do you say when a nut sneezes?
A: Cashewnheit

Q: What’s the hardest part of being a vegan?
A: Waking up before sunrise to milk the almonds.

Did you hear about the athletic almond? Man, it was a total fitness nut.
I was thinking about going on an all-macadamia diet, but that’s just nuts!
Nowadays, life is like a box of chocolates. It’s difficult to tell which ones have nuts.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. If I’m honest, it was an incredibly Rocky Road.
Archaeologists found a mummy embalmed in chocolate, encrusted with hazelnuts and wrapped in gold foil. They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Son: Dad, do you like almonds?
Me: Mmm…Well, I don’t like all-monds, but I do like some monds.
A doctor goes to a bar and orders an almond daiquiri everyday. One fine day, the bartender gives him hickory nuts instead of almonds.
The doctor asked,“What is this?”
The bartender said “ Well it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc”.
A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he’s the only customer.The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he’ll be with him as soon as he can.The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a tiny voice.
“Nice shirt!” He looks around, but can’t see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on the phone.He shrugs, thinking he’s just imagining things, when he hears a similar voice again.
“Smart haircut, handsome!” Again he looks around nervously, but there’s nobody near who could possibly have spoken to him.
Then he hears yet another voice, soft and small like the first two,”You’re really looking sharp today, have you lost weight?” At this point the guy is completely bewildered, until he realizes that the voices seem to be coming from a bowl of nuts sitting on the bar counter.
At that moment the bartender has finished his phone call, and comes over to see what the guy wants to order. “What’s the deal with these nuts?” the guy asks. The bartender shrugs, saying, “They’re complimentary.”
I was walking through a forest the other day when I noticed a little squirrel sitting on a tree trunk. His right hand clenched into a fist.“What have you got there? A hazelnut?”
He shook his head.
“An almond then?”
He shook his head again.
“Is it an acorn?”
Nothing.
“Tell me, what is it?”
“A cramp”
I was sitting on the bus just staring out the window when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.I turned around and saw a smiley old lady. She said to me, “Darling, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
I agreed, she gave me a handful of nuts before she went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some more nuts! I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you and your friends eat them yourselves?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

Why did the walnut break up with the almond? Because it found someone nut quite as flaky! Nuts have a special way of bringing laughter into our lives. What did the cashew say to the peanut at the comedy show? “You’re really cracking me up!” And when a group of nuts went to the beach, they had a shellebration! Did you hear about the squirrel who started a podcast? It’s called “Going Nuts for Laughs!” So, if you’re ever feeling down, just remember: humor is the perfect way to add some crunch to your day!